The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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