Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
