And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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