I wish my penis had an off switch
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
