You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
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