I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
