one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
True strength comes from lack of pants
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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