I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
