I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
