I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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