I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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