does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
