Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
