so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
