Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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