I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
