i don't like sucking hair
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
