I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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