Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
