just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
