sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
