You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
