Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
i've created a new STD.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Randomize
