The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
