if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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