I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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