I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
