I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I skipped work to stalk him.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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