I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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