she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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