I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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