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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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