Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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