shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
