My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
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Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
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What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.