My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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