Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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