is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My penis needs a shock collar
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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