She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
