my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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