Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
