I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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