Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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