I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Randomize
