your parents love me but you hate me
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
