There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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