I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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