I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
