His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
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i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
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My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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