sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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