FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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