We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's shark week go big or go home
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
