Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
