Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
