I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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