I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
