Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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