so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
