Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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